How to Write Humor

There are many ways to write humor. "Poorly" is an example. I, however, recommend the opposite. "Try doing things well," I'm always telling people.

Next, study the great satirists of our time: Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Socrates. What do they have in common? That's right, they're all dead. But rejoice, many of these successful writers were alive once too. See, you already have something in common.

Before you can write humorously, you need to assess how funny you are. Fortunately, this is easily tested. Ask yourself the following:

1. Are you a:

• Lawyer?
• Blond?
• Celebrity?
• Priest/Rabbi/Minister?

2. Do you have:

• Two or more first names?
• More cars than teeth?
• A four-legged pet that isn't a cat or dog?

3. Is your name "George W. Bush"?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are funny. Congratulations! You're already very popular with David Letterman, Saturday Night Live and Jeff Foxworthy. You may now start writing humorously about yourself and people like you.

Humor Writing Tips:

• Be self-deprecating. Readers love an author who pokes fun at himself. Hint: this will work especially well if you're a fairly unpopular celebrity. Hitler, for instance.

• Do the unexpected. Lead people in one direction, then quickly another. Right: "You're beautiful...NOT!" Wrong: "You're beautiful...Officer."

• Use inappropriate words and expressions. Mad Libs and George Carlin were great at this.

• Know your audience. If you're writing an article for a Catholic newsletter: The Pope, Priests, Child Molestation - Off limits. However, Jews, Lutherans, Tom Cruise - OK.

Finally, be confident with your writing. Not everyone will think it's funny. Just look at how many people, causes and groups I may have offended in this article. Stick to your guns. The minute you start compromising your principles and kowtow to some whiny activist or celebrity, you lose all of your integrity. And that's exactly what I'm going to tell my humorless lawyers at that libel hearing next month.